Being a P.O.C. Gamer


Out of place…

I am going to be turning 52 this Wednesday, and getting a year older has warranted me on reflecting on my previous years and being a geek/nerd/gamer P.O.C. (Person of Color).

d20dice

I went to my local gaming store several days ago, and they were having a Magic card tourney as well as several tables playing some tabletop rpg games.  As I looked around, I had this instant feeling of being out of place in something that I love.  I went home and started to think on this feeling.  I am a geek; I recognize that I like things that other POC don’t like or know anything about.  I am a nerd; I recognize that I like things that other POC don’t like or know anything about.  I am a gamer: I like both video games, tabletop roleplaying games, LARPing, board games, and card games.  I know these things and accept these truths.  But this day I felt so out of place, it was unnerving.

Thoughts were running full tilt through my head, on how I don’t belong there, what right do I have to even think that I can compare to these guys.  Then in that same breath, in my head popped, you don’t even belong into your own racial community.  You don’t listen to hip-hop, act like a “playa”, or are very big into sports. (I like sports, I am just not a fanatic about it.)

I felt so out of place.  I started second guessing my desire to be a writer/game designer/game reviewer.  How dare I try to be in an industry dominated by Caucasian males who “really” don’t want POC in their wheelhouse.  I had to go to work that evening, or I would have been at home letting those thoughts run rampant through my head. (I have done that before, it’s not pretty)

Now that a couple of days have passed and it’s almost my birthday, I am reflecting on those thoughts from last week.  I am a man outside of two worlds.  I don’t know where I fit in, and that fills me with fear and dread.  I thought I was comfortable in my own skin, (and to be clear, I am happy to be a geek/nerd/gamer) but not being able to share who I am with others, saddens me.

Maybe I should just roll with the punches and keep on keeping on…

Advertisements