Being a P.O.C. and a Gamer in 2020

My Star Wars Smuggler Character

 

 I wrote a blog post over 3 years ago about this exact subject, but from a standpoint of it being 2017, not 2020. (it is surprising at how relevant this is given the climate today…)

Before this whole pandemic started, I went to my local gaming store, and they were having a Magic card tourney as well as several tables playing some tabletop rpg games.  As I looked around, I had this instant feeling of being out of place in something that I love.  I went home and started to think on this feeling.  I am a geek and a nerd; I recognize that I like things that other POC do not like or know anything about.  I like both video games, tabletop roleplaying games, LARPing, board games, and card games.  I know these things and accept these truths.  But this day I felt so out of place, it was unnerving.

Sitting at home, my mind wandered back to that day.  Those thoughts were running full tilt through my head, on how I do not belong there, what right do I have to even think that I can compare to these guys.  Then in that same breath, in my head popped, you do not even belong into your own racial community.  You do not listen to hip-hop, act like a “playa”, or are big into sports. (I like sports, I am just not a fanatic about it.)

I feel so out of place, so much so, that I started second guessing my desire to be a writer/TTRPG game designer/game reviewer.  How dare I try to be in an industry dominated by Caucasian males who “really” do not want POC in their wheelhouse.  I am a man outside of two worlds.  I do not know where I fit in, and that fills me with fear and dread.  I thought I was comfortable in my own skin, (and to be clear, I am happy to be a geek/nerd/gamer) but not being able to share who I am with others, saddens me.

Maybe I should just roll with the punches and keep on keeping on…

Dark Fae Story Idea

The beginnings of a story idea…

Centuries ago a Dark Fae names Azrael committed an ultimate sin by having an affair with a Summer Fae named Holly.  This went against the laws of both the Summer and Winter courts.  When the truth was found out, both were banished to the world of the living.

Unknown to Azrael, Holly realized that they both made a mistake, and appealed to the Summer and Winter Queens to end their banishment.  After a short deliberation, both Queens agreed to allow her to come back to the Summer Court, but in a stunning turn of events, the Winter Queen did not want Azrael to come back to the Winter Court.

For centuries, Azrael sought out his lost love, not knowing that she was back in the Summer Court.  He became despondent, turning to various vices to fill the void, but to no avail.  Then he tried finding love from ordinary humans, but none could survive the ordeal of being loved by a Fae.  The humans that went missing over the years became a string of unsolved disappearances that have various police departments baffled.

Being a P.O.C. Gamer

Out of place…

I am going to be turning 52 this Wednesday, and getting a year older has warranted me on reflecting on my previous years and being a geek/nerd/gamer P.O.C. (Person of Color).

I went to my local gaming store several days ago, and they were having a Magic card tourney as well as several tables playing some tabletop rpg games.  As I looked around, I had this instant feeling of being out of place in something that I love.  I went home and started to think on this feeling.  I am a geek; I recognize that I like things that other POC don’t like or know anything about.  I am a nerd; I recognize that I like things that other POC don’t like or know anything about.  I am a gamer: I like both video games, tabletop roleplaying games, LARPing, board games, and card games.  I know these things and accept these truths.  But this day I felt so out of place, it was unnerving.

Thoughts were running full tilt through my head, on how I don’t belong there, what right do I have to even think that I can compare to these guys.  Then in that same breath, in my head popped, you don’t even belong into your own racial community.  You don’t listen to hip-hop, act like a “playa”, or are very big into sports. (I like sports, I am just not a fanatic about it.)

I felt so out of place.  I started second guessing my desire to be a writer/game designer/game reviewer.  How dare I try to be in an industry dominated by Caucasian males who “really” don’t want POC in their wheelhouse.  I had to go to work that evening, or I would have been at home letting those thoughts run rampant through my head. (I have done that before, it’s not pretty)

Now that a couple of days have passed and it’s almost my birthday, I am reflecting on those thoughts from last week.  I am a man outside of two worlds.  I don’t know where I fit in, and that fills me with fear and dread.  I thought I was comfortable in my own skin, (and to be clear, I am happy to be a geek/nerd/gamer) but not being able to share who I am with others, saddens me.

Maybe I should just roll with the punches and keep on keeping on…